"Hands" - a photography series

A photography series Rose and I worked on tonight. Basically, just me acting dramatic in a closet. and wishing I was Georgia O'Keefe posing for Stieglitz.
~ Fiona

 

 

 

 

 

 

You Can't Ask Why

 

A short story I just wrote at midnight... It's a bit odd, but when the muse strikes, I have to obey.

~ Fiona

 

 

You Can’t Ask Why

~ a short story

 

She sat up in bed and looked outside.

The window was clean and the night sky thick

With darkness and rain

“What are you doing there?”

“I’ve come for you.”

She looked at him with a frown.

“Why?”

“You can’t ask why.”

“But”-

“You can’t ask why.”

He held out his hand.

“What is that?”

“Moondust.”

“Where did you get it from?”

“Where do you think, stupid?” He reached for her. “Come with me, I’ll take you there.”

“No!”

“Come on!’

“No!”

“Fine then. I’ll wait outside here until you come.”

Night waned and waxed

And time melted into eternities.

She inched closer and closer to the moondust.

And finally she did it.

He smiled at her hand laid upon his.

“Come with me.”

“Why?”

“You can’t ask why.”

She took his hand and he yanked her out of her bed.

Out of her window

Out of her world.

He took her to a tree

Where every leaf was a question

She never even asked.

He plucked them one by one

And grinned

As he chewed them between his

Shining teeth.

She lowered to the ground

And held her heart.

“What are you doing?”

“Answering you.”

“You’re eating away my questions.”

“They were never asked.”

She stared as he ate the last one.

“Why didn’t you ever ask, my love?”

“There was no one to answer.”

“I’m here.”

He took her hand again and led her to a cave

Dark and pregnant with nightmares.

He flicked a flame

From his fingertips

And ignited the place

With candelabras all over the walls,

Ceiling and heart.

They were tall giant candles

Melting wax globs

The size of tires.

“What are you doing?”

“Melting these fears. They’re of no use in the darkness.

This place needs light – not your nightmares.”

The candle wax melted to the floor

Like a river which they floated along

Till they came to a stairway

“What is this?”

“I’m not sure. But I think we should climb it.”

“It looks like gold.”

“No, it’s sunlight.”

“Oh.”

“Come with me.”

They climbed,

And they climbed

To the far and vast moon.

And as they climbed,

Their hands grew together,

Their hips melted as one,

Their lips met and-

“What is this?”

“It is a kiss.”

“Why are we doing this?”

“You can’t ask why.”

Night and day became twilight.

Water and dust

Became cement

And the lips pressed together

Moved like a dance

Of butterflies on the streams

Of the human soul.

She lost her breath

And her legs gave out,

The moon beneath her

Crumbled.

“What is happening?”

She clung to him as she looked down

To the black depths of ocean below.

“You’re falling.”

“Falling where?”

“In love.”

“In what?”

“Love.”

“But why?”

“You can’t ask why.”

“Can’t you fall with me?”

“No, my love. I already rose with you. And I am rising still.”

“Don’t! Come down! Come with me.”

“I can’t. You have to fall first to rise.”

“Did you ever fall?”

“I have fallen in love a thousand times. And all those times it was with you. You, my love, in thousands of forms, in thousands of women and lives and worlds.”

“I don’t want to fall.”

“You have to.”

“Will I ever rise to see you?”

“Maybe. Or maybe not.

It depends what you take down with you.”

Her hand slipped from his

Yet she clung to the moon.

Tears streamed into the growing

Ocean below.

“You can’t let me fall.”

“I have to let you fall.”

“But why?”

“You can’t ask why.”

The moondust crumbled in her grasp.

And she fell,

Down,

Down,

Down,

Into the dark bottomless ocean

Of tears

And why.

She sat up in bed.

Wide awake

From the dream she couldn’t remember.

But she felt in her hand the fine edges of dust

Moondust in the crevices of her palm.

She opened her hand to let the moonlight shine

All the answers,

All the fears,

And all the reasons

Why.

And she rose.

She rose again and again to soulless heights

Always higher each time

Only to fall in love again.

Late Night Poetry: The Little Redhead Girl Is All Alone

 

 

The Little Redhead Girl is All Alone

A poem I wrote late in the night, inspired by my pink lamp Penelope. :)

~ Fiona

The little redhead girl is all alone.
Far in the night.
Deep in the night.
And the blue room is tiny.
The pink old lamp in the corner
Blinks
And sputters
And turns on.
“Who paints the sky blue?”
“How many tears does it take to drown?”
“What does a cloud feel like?”
“When does forever end?”
“Does the rose have a soul?”
“Do you think I am really me?”
“Can you answer me?”
The pink old lamp in the corner
Blinks
And sputters
And goes out.
Birthdays fly by
And forever ends
And the little redhead girl finds
The soul of the rose.
Now the blue room is vast
And empty
All alone
And the old lamp in the corner
Blinks
And sputters
And answers.

A Whole New World...

So it's summer break! FINALLY!
Last time I wrote it was just before starting school. And it was all just so exciting and overwhelming. I feel so many emotions - happy, excited, relieved, and maybe even a little exasperated. I feel like I have triumphed, like a soldier - I might even be suffering from a little post-traumatic stress.

 

Just kidding. It wasn't that bad. It was certainly an adventure!
I was super excited about meeting new people, plunging into a new environment. I felt like an explorer - leaving my homeland to discover what savagery lay beyond my civilization. It was thrilling!

My first day was a Disney princess moment...

And over the next months... I learned so many amazing things about life, people, and myself. It was truly...

 But it wasn't always so dazzling. Believe me.
I knew it was going to be tough going out into the world after my years of homeschooling in the calm shelter of my home. I knew that my parents were not exaggerating about how crazy the world really is. But when I was actually out there...
Boy, was I surprised.
It took me a while to get used to it. And since I've finally gone on break... It's taken me a while to wind down.

I know there's plenty of homeschool girls out there about to enter a secular university/college for the first time ... So here it goes!

TEN things a conservative homeschooled girl should know before going to a secular college!

1. It's crazier than you think.
You'll think I'm exaggerating. But there's immorality EVERYWHERE.

YES. EVERYWHERE.
I was flooded with exposure to so many things all at once. Promiscuity, drugs, cheating, and even horrific crimes. It is so important to keep our spiritual eyes and ears open - to be sensitive. Not only is it important as a spiritual person to become sensitive to this spirit, it is also dangerous if we do not. There are so many sheep in wolves clothing that it is vital that we be aware of their deceit.
For example, a certain boy was being extra friendly to me, messaging me through Facebook to hang out, telling me that he was a worship leader and that I should go with him one night to a bible study. Although a bible study sounded pleasant, I refused and put a thick boundary between us because the Still Small Voice warned me. I never answered his messages and avoided him at school. And although people thought that he was a nice guy, I knew something was amiss.

Later, I found out that he was expelled for rape and that he had harassed many girls on campus.
So believe me when I tell you, stay alert - always alert.


2. You will get lots of questions.
"You were homeschooled?!" "How was that?" "Did you have friends?" "Did you like it?"
And when you actually respond... "I loved it. I actually miss it." Their reaction?

Yeah, you're going to be considered a weird one, freak, oddball. Just answer patiently. Most likely, they are just curious and don't mean to be annoying. They have been brought up in the mainstream school system and don't know any better. Honestly, if I were in school all my life, I would be asking the same thing.


3. Your clothes will actually be dissed.

Okay, so I wear long skirts and not-so clingy clothes. And okay, I like to dress sort of conservative/ hippie-ish. But do you have to bug me about not looking "cool" or "hip"? I know you mean to ask curiously, but please stop. You're dissing my clothes. Shut up.
Be warned, my friends. You will actually get these questions: "Why don't you wear tight jeans?" "Are you not allowed to wear pants?" "Why don't you wear shorts?" And surprisingly, I got all these questions from guys. The girls just go... "Are you seriously wearing that?" I kid you not. This is not a scene from Mean Girls - It happened.

Usually I'm sure they all don't mean it in a cruel way - one of the guys who bugs me about my clothes is a friend and means it for good. But it can get annoying from others. Just don't get discouraged. Put on your conservative clothes - whatever style you prefer and be happy and confident in it. Why bend to the demands of society? Who cares? Everyone - except the people who matter.

4. You will be thought of as a victim.
"You did chores?!" Yeah, so people are going to think you are a kind Cinderella or other victim of cruel parents. I have often been referred to as "Rapunzel" - and not because of my long hair. They think because I did chores and was homeschooled, I was kept away from the world in a tower by some kind of... Mother Gothel.

Since I'm a drama queen, I thought this was pretty funny. Until I realized they were actually serious. And then I was just like.... NO. I am no victim. In fact, I think I was extremely privileged. If it wasn't for my homeschooled background I highly doubt I would have been able to expand my reading and knowledge as well as make time for extracurricular activities like the writing of eleven novels and the practicing of classical piano. Things I love and could never regret.


5. You will be told you need a childhood.
"You've never played a video game?" "You've never been to Disney?" "You never had a sleep-over?" "YOU NEED A CHILDHOOD!"

 

Homeschoolers do not need childhoods. In fact, I think we had more of a childhood than anyone in public schools could ever had. Come on, how is playing a video more mind-enhancing than acting out Shakespeare with friends and siblings? How is playing outside in nature and building forts and acting out historical events "abuse" when compared to the ever-so-enviable lives of public school children.
Don't even try reasoning with the, - they just don't understand. And it's sad. They have no idea how fun it is to stay up late sharing stories about the American Revolution or acting out scenes of Little House on the prairie with siblings.

6. You will realize your mom and your books are the best teachers you can have.

 

 

 So apparently professors are really boring and useless a lot of the time.
Usually when you have questions, they wont answer. They are professionals at this. They will address any other issues except what you are asking. Much like politicians I guess.
They will ramble on about the theories and ideas surrounding your question - theories and ideas that  never even existed until you ask. They go on to address the origins, the affects, and the history behind what you are asking. The answer? "It's all in your textbook."
In other words...

I'm exaggerating in this of course. But not by much when it comes to a few professors.
I mean, we homeschoolers are used to reading the textbook and getting stuff done. And when we have a question? Ask mom! And when mom doesn't have the answer... Google!
Why complicated things with all your personal stories and agendas? Or even your personal emotions?
It can sometimes get unprofessional.
For example, two professors were carrying on an affair and showed it very obviously in the classroom setting. Another professor shared obscene stories about his promiscuous lifestyle as "musical" examples" to his students. And one particular young professor was even interested in me as much more than a student.

But don't be depressed! There are some AMAZING professors out there!
I had a wonderful experience with my Music History professor. He was a beautiful person. He was interested in the students personally and did his best to insure they passed with flying colors. One day I had the pleasure of an unexpected lunch with him and discovered he was  Christian man of upright values with an amazing background of travel. He spent a great amount of time in Africa, living among tribes who had never even seen a white man before or other elements of western society. He was a fascinating man and wonderful teacher and I will miss being in his classes.


7. You will not be excused from guy attention just because you're a modestly dressed Christian.
You think that because you wear long skirts and read the Bible that you're exempt from the attention of guys? That they wont even consider you? Think again.
Prepare yourself and learn the ways of... friend-zoning.

It's simple yet complicated... It's tough when you think the guy is a really cool person and neat friend. You don't want to hurt their feelings but at the same time.. It must be done.
Guys are tricky creatures. They're more sensitive than we think. And yet there is rarely a good one found in secular universities - one that you would want to stay with for a life-time. Or even in a steady relationship. It's tough for lots of girls to wait for the right person. I understand they can get impatient  and frustrated, and maybe even wish to settle for less than they deserve.
But you must not give attention to the first guy who likes you! Friend-zone them!
If later you realize that person is the one you can see yourself with or years... go for it.
And if you don't like them and they don't understand the friend-zone concept... There's always the frying pan.

I personally am in no hurry to find someone. This is mostly because I want to focus on my musical and artistic career. Also, I am enjoying my new found independence as an adult and am not too excited about committing to a person before I build my Self and shape myself into the best person I can be.

 


8. You will be thought of as a freak.

It'll be funny at first to be the odd one - the fish out of water. You may even think it's cool and become haughty about being "different". But after a while... the jokes get old.
Especially the jokes calling you a snob. Look, just because I am sort of a grammar nerd and a history geek does not mean I am academically OCD!
So I correct your text-lingo. So what? Learn to spell!

 

Just kidding. I'm not a snob.
But believe me, your academic background WILL be the source of many a joke at the lunch table.
AT times, you'll feel overwhelmed by being the odd one. The one who isn't as experienced or as knowledgeable in things of the world.. And at times you'll feel like you can never fit in right.

The good news is...?


9. You will meet other awesome freaks.

I have met some pretty amazing people. Lots of funny brass players, many interesting pianists, and lots of crazy composers. My closest friend is a girl I can easily talk to and who understands my belief system, since we share very similar convictions. We support each other, keep each other accountable, and have hilarious adventures on our campus. I'm so blessed to have her and the many other fun people surrounding me at school.


10. You will be stronger and even better because of all this.
So lastly...

My first year at university has been crazy. But wonderful.

It has been an experience that has made me a stronger and wiser person. It’s easy to be yourself at home, without people constantly pushing you to conform. It’s an intense transition. Sometimes you’ll feel like just curling up at home and wishing you could disappear.

But don’t give into that. We are a product of our influences. But we are also warriors that can fight what influences we do not want and defend the ideas we must hold to.

University is a beautiful place. The library, the new people, the excitement of being thrust out into the world. But it’s also pretty tough. So pray and pray and pray… And know that there is always a G-d to give you shalom when you need rest.

Speaking of rest…

I’m going to enjoy my summer break!