"Let Your Will Be Mine"

So here is an exceptionally long post. Sorry, guys. But I just had to write this because… Well, it’s been pressed on my heart for a while now. I can’t help but share with the world the beautiful (and freakin’ unbelievable!) things G-d has been doing in my life. It’s just crazy. So… here it goes.

Studying piano professionally was a fantasy I always harbored in the back of my mind, but I never truly took it seriously until that moment. That moment when I was playing a Chopin Nocturne in my room on my keyboard, so quietly, it was nearly silent. All were sleeping in my house, as but me because my spirit was wide awake. Listening.

This.

It was a small whisper I barely understood, so my spirit back-talked: This? What’s that supposed to mean?

But the Still Small Voice returned even stronger. This.

Awe filled me now. I looked down at my hands with teary eyes. This? This is what He wants me to do?

I had plans to stay home after graduation, publish my books and perhaps teach piano lessons. But all those plans shattered – this still small Voice was telling me to drop all that and focus on playing – on performing. Something I honestly did not even consider as a career.

But my heart swelled with joy at this silent whisper because I knew that I had only to stay in His Will to achieve success and happiness. But at the same time… fear was there too. Doubts flooded my mind:  I’m no prodigy, we don’t have enough money for studies, I’m not good enough, etc.

But I cleared my mind, shaking those thoughts away. Who was I to question the Voice of G-d? Who was I to doubt His Will? I remember closing my eyes that night with peace, praying, “I’ll do it. Let Your Will be mine.”

Years passed, and I graduated from the National Piano Guild, and was officially at college-level of piano performance. I began considering music schools in Miami, dreaming of attending the most reputable Frost Music School. (Which made the top 20 in the country!)

I was confused with G-d’s Will as I knew what He was planning yet had no idea how to go about doing it. So I just went with the flow, sat back, buckled my seat, practiced, and let Him take control. Whatever He wanted to happen was going to happen no matter what I thought.

            What He had in store, was more than I could imagine…

One day, my brother’s old violin teacher dropped by our house for a friendly visit before leaving on a European tour. She asked me if I wished to study music and where. I told her I had a desire to study piano performance, but was not certain if I could get into any music schools with a scholarship. “Frost is expensive,” she told me frankly. “But it is the best around here. If you are coached properly for your auditions you might be able to get a scholarship. There is a professor there who I know is really good. Professor Ying. Why don’t you email him and ask if he would take you as a private student?”

            I had never heard of this man, but he sounded like one of these scary Chinese pianists, obsessed with technique and Bach and … Eek.

But I sent this Professor Ying an email, stating that I was hoping to get coaching for auditions. His reply was short and dry:

            I’m currently out of the country. I’ll get back to you when I return.

            That’s it I thought. It’s pretty much over. There’s no way this traveling pianist/professor is going to take me in as a private student. I never really thought he would ever get back to me, so I began lookin into coaching for my composing.

I let my practice go by, became lazy and wondered, “G-d, you gave me a dream, and now what?”

But then, the email came.

I would love to hear you play. Come audition for me on Saturday and we’ll see if we can work something out.

Great! I thought with exasperation. Now I have to practice like a maniac to play for this guy!

I was playing pretty bad. My Bach was okay, my Barber was adequately lovely, but my Tempest Sonata and Brahms Intermezzo… lacked.

But I went to play for him with a peace in my heart. Obviously, it was G-d’s Will for him to hear me, so it was also G-d’s will that my repertoire wasn’t perfect. That gave me incredible peace and calm that day. Now, I look back and reflect that my only concern was that he would be a scary, strict professor with an appearance much like Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid who would demand in a cold accent, “Scales, scales, scales!”

To my relief, this professor did not have a sharp accent or a scary countenance, but was very kind and calm and funny. He was not concerned at all with scales or Bach, but asked that I play Beethoven and Brahms. The two I practiced least. Great. Yet somehow (even after a few wrong notes) he detected “incredible musicality”. How he heard that, I still don’t know. I just praise Heaven that he did!

Anyhow, I went home in surrender. It was all up to G-d now. The professor was going to consider me as a private student (as he rarely ever accepted private students) and would get back to me through email.

The following days were spent in prayer, mostly consisting of: “Let Your will be mine, let it be mine, L-rd.”

By a miracle, a beautiful email came. Professor Ying said that he would be glad to help me prepare a repertoire for Frost School auditions. This was no coincidence, people. This was a downright “G-dincidence”! (as my family and I so like to put it!)

After that, it was as if I suddenly became aware of what was happening. I suddenly wondered, “So who is this Professor Ying I’m going to study with?” I did the modern/Hipster thing and Googled him. The information online was astounding. This man who was willing to teach me had been featured in People magazine, traveled on world-wide tours as a virtuoso, and had even won the greatest piano competition in the world – The International Van Cliburn Piano Competition! (That’s like piano Olympics, people!)

So Professor and Ying and I worked for a wonderful and happy year together. We planned a beautiful repertoire (which my former teacher criticized for being too difficult) – including the infamous Apassionata! But I knew that it was G-d who put me with this professor and it was G-d who was going to carry me through this advanced repertoire.

            On audition day, I woke up and looked out my window. I will never forget how golden the sun seemed and how its rays seemed to reach out for me. Tears filled my eyes as I knew I had to surrender it all to G-d. I had to let it all go – all of it! – and leave it in His Hands. I cupped my hands to my mouth and whispered, “Take my will, and let Yours be done.” I pressed my hands against the window pane and actually felt a burden being lifted from my shoulders. This is not sentimentality now, readers. I actually felt myself being touched by His kind hand, as if He were taking my worries and assuring  me, “It’s okay. It’s all going to be alright.”

It was all in His Hands. I trusted Him, and as He has led me this far, I knew He would not forsake me. If history teaches us anything it is that God will always make a way even when there seems to be no way.

            The audition was successful. (In spite of the wrong notes in my Chopin Ballade!) The two judges (another Van Cliburn winning professor and the pedagogy of piano) congratulated me on a unique performance. The professor told me, “If I hate anything it’s a cookie-cutter pianist, these pianists that play perfectly like a robot without feelings. But you, my dear, are no cookie-cutter pianist.” It was a strange compliment, but I accepted it. And the pedagogy, remarked, “You are a natural performer”.

            When I retold these happenings to my professor, he stared with astonishment. “She talked?” (She meaning the pedagogy) “She never says anything! Now that’s a good sign!”

Even after this assurance, I was still uncertain if I would be accept or receive any scholarship.

            A month or so later, I woke up and sat at the dining table. As is customary of my morning ritual, I glanced through Instagram to gently stir my sleepy brain cells. A family friend posted the verse: Numbers 6:24.

            I didn’t think much of it until my grandmother sent a text at that very moment. What did it say? Numbers 6:24!

            I glanced up and saw the Bible on the table which my father had left out that morning. And what page was it open to? Numbers 6!

            I tossed the phone away and quickly seized the Bible. Obviously, G-d was trying to tell me something!

            What I read overwhelmed me with a consuming love.

            May the Lord bless you and keep you,

            May the Lord make His Face to shine upon you and be gracious to you,     

            May the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace. Number 6:24-26

            I bowed my head in awe. “I accept your blessing, L-rd. I accept the blessing.”

            And that very day, the letter came. The letter telling me that I was accepted to Frost School of Music.

            Now, I am proud to write that I am attending Frost School of Music this Fall with a ¾ scholarship – not because of my talent or my practice hours or my teacher. But because G-d willed it to  be so and has paved this way which I never thought I would ever be able to pass through.

            Blessed with G-d’s favor and grace, I write this today overwhelmed by His goodness. By His goodness He stood with me on audition day, sent me a beautiful message from His Word along with my acceptance letter, and weeks later blessed me with a wonderful scholarship to my dream school.

            Writing this article was hard for me today because it has been a difficult journey of faith as well as an overwhelmingly awesome display of G-d’s glory – and as we all know, G-d’s glory is pretty hard to put into words. It was G-d who brought the violin teacher to our door that day, it was G-d who opened the heart of the professor towards me, it was G-d who carried my burdens on audition day, and it was G-d who has showered his loving-kindness upon me in more ways than I can count.

And the most incredible part is that He has done all this without having to. As we sing during Pesach, “Dayenu! It would have been enough!” It would have been enough had He given me the experience of studying with Professor Ying, but no. G-d has a habit of desiring to go out of His way for His children.

It is only by His loving grace that this has all come into being. There has not been a day that goes by that I do not stop to thank Him for all the great doors he has opened and all the wondrous paths He has paved even when I know I can never deserve them.

Now, I'm entering this new exciting season of my life, and I am just so happy - I want to scream! Not just because I'm a part of something great and doing something I love but because this all came about because of G-d! It is all His glory being reflected through me. It is like a teaching a recently heard. Our culture is obsessed with stardom, being a star of pop, rock, etc. But the Scriptures teach us that we are to reflect G-d's light - not shine our own like stars. We are to be like the Moon and reflect the Sun - or in our case, The Son! 

I know now that if I continue to set my eyes on what G-d has for me and what He desires, I have no reason to fear or doubt anything. He is in control and He is a loving Father. 
Whatever happens in these coming months of studying and music, I will always remember, Lord, that You have been the One to be beside me and that You will never leave me. And for that, I praise You always.
~ Fiona